Christmas: Relationship expert shares her tips for breaking cycles
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Relationship expert Natalia Kobylkina said most of her clients in the past were young single people looking for someone to start a family with.
But in the run up to Christmas and New Year, more were now in their 40s, 50s and even older, looking for Mr or Mrs Right.
And while priorities may change as people grow older, the key to success for all ages is still compromise, insists the family therapist, psychologist and author.
And she added that while everyone carries baggage from past relationships or childhood, the first thing she advises is to “forgive” past partners, to “cleanse the pain”, so you can move on.
It is also important not to rush into a relationship, but meet at least five prospective partners and then analyse what went well and not so well with each date, to help find true love.
She said: “My big target is to help millions of people find their correct partner, who can support them and have synergy inside the relationship.
“Because when we are together, we are bigger and stronger.
“In the UK we have so many single people who cannot find Mr or Mrs Right.”
The explosion in dating sites for specific age groups was testimony to this.
She said: “My belief is you can have a really happy relationship after 40.
“You have your experience, your financial stability, your work – and you really want to find your soulmate, someone to spend the rest of your life with.
“One lady, who was 70, came to my seminar and said, ‘I now want to find my soulmate. I already have my grandchildren, now I want to live my life’.”
For whatever reason people are looking for a new partner, what is important is to be realistic about your expectations.
“Unfortunately there are a lot of narcissistic people, which makes it much more difficult to make a relationship.
“Very often women dream about wanting to find a beautiful, successful, rich man.
“And I say ‘Are you ready to live with this man, because most very successful people are narcissistic? Otherwise they would not be a success’.”
Natalia, 39, explained that most people carry traumas – such as that of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, or perfectionism.
She said: “In our relationships, we need to learn to heal our traumas.”
And she stressed that if you hate even one man or woman from a past relationship “you can never have a successful happy relationship”.
She said: “My first recommendation is to forgive, to call people and say, ‘I forgive you or please forgive me’. To cleanse the pain.”
After this people should draw up a realistic list. She said: “Usually we divide the list, because ladies come to me with a huge list and all they want is an ideal partner. My first question is which compromises are you ready to make?
“For example, one lady said she wanted to find a rich, beautiful partner, who was athletic and a monogamist, ‘to have children with and be my age’.
“I said sorry, this is not possible. When we see where they can make compromises, then they can find a man very fast.”
Those who are unwilling to compromise will unfortunately stay unhappy, she added.
She insists people need to meet at least five potential partners and learn from the experience of what went right and wrong, and take this on to their next dates.
And for those who are in a troubled relationship she advised that rather than hating or complaining about their partner, they should respect them.
She said: “We expect too much from each other, we don’t have passion, we are not really ready to forgive, we are stuck in our own ego. And of course for these people they divorce, because they want to be right, not happy.”
She said a relationship can survive if both are motivated to change. However if one is unwilling to change, there may be no choice but to leave. She added: “You cannot make someone happy. But you can separate with love and respect.”
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