My lying husband is angry at my fling but I think he's cheated too

DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has always hated liars, but recently he has been lying to me and covering his tracks. I think he might have had a fling or was thinking about one and I’ve told him so.

He flies off the handle whenever I accuse him of cheating and refuses to answer my questions.

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I am 51, he is 53 and we have been married for 25 years. He was always a very loyal person but I don’t recognise our relationship any more.

He changed after finding flirty emails and texts between me and a man I worked with.

I work in HR and the man delivers training to my company. I did fancy this man but had no plans to take it further.

My husband accused me of cheating with him and simply won’t accept that nothing has happened.

Unfortunately, in the midst of all the accusations, I admitted I did have an affair with one of my ­husband’s friends 12 years ago.

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I have tried to reassure him it didn’t last long and wasn’t serious.

But he is so hurt and angry. He is convinced I am not telling the whole truth about this second guy. The last few weeks have been hell.

I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety due to the stress of all of this.

And now he has become secretive. He did admit messaging another girl, but he says she lives abroad.

If I ask him to show me the messages or say I think he is hiding something, he gets angry and says he can’t cope with me.

He won’t talk to me like he used to. Our home is full of resentment.

DEIDRE SAYS: Accusing your hus­band of being unfaithful is a destructive ploy that deflects attention away from your own misbehaviour, but it’s a dangerous path to tread.

You are making yourself ill, so things have to change. Your husband is hurt and resentful but messaging this other girl to get even is not the answer.

You are going to have to work hard at rebuilding his trust.

You can stop this destructive cycle by looking after one another and showing you appreciate each other. That’s the way to fend off outside attractions.

Tell your husband you have both hurt one another but now is the time to draw a line and to rebuild your relationship.

Work to get the fun back so you won’t stray again.

My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It will help you both get your marriage back on track or call it a day.

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