I beat myself up all the time because I never held my baby when I had the chance

DEAR DEIDRE: I beat myself up all the time because I never held my baby when I had the chance.

He died at 20 weeks and it was the worst day of my life. I was 23 then.

I’m now 30 and have two healthy girls aged five and three.

When I went into labour, hospital staff told me I’d have to deliver him normally though he had already gone.

I was heartbroken and so was my partner.

The nurse asked if I’d like to hold him but I kept saying no. I just wanted to go home and shut the world out.

Every day I think about him and feel like I want him to know he is loved.

I so regret not cuddling him.

I signed some forms saying he’d be cremated.

How can I find out what happened to him?

Get in touch with Deidre today

My team and I are working safely from home but we are here to help you as always.

Send an email to [email protected].

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.

Follow me on Twitter @deardeidre.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am so sorry to hear you lost your baby.

We all do things when we are in shock which we sometimes regret. Please don’t blame yourself.

The hospital where you delivered him is a good place to start your search.

But also contact Sands, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity (sands.org.uk, 0808 164 3332).

There is a section on its website about tracing a baby’s grave or crematorium.

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