Written by Charley Ross
Heartbreak can make us do crazy, sometimes destructive things, but is having rebound sex really one of them? Charley Ross asked an expert about the pros and cons.
In the aftermath of a breakup, there are so many mundane rituals we feel compelled to put ourselves through that it can sometimes feel stifling. Don’t contact your ex. Practise hours of self-care. Sleep. Eat. Let yourself cry.
But what about rebound sex? Generally, being intimate with someone new in the immediate aftermath of a romantic split is frowned upon as a bad idea for those with a broken heart. You see it in popular culture, in our favourite romcoms – the image of the heartbroken woman eating ice cream in front of the TV. If she does go out and hook up with someone, it’s often seen as a mistake, a backslide, the wrong way to navigate emotional pain. But how accurate is this, really?
What if sleeping with someone different while going through a breakup can bring some respite, some clarity? An opportunity to explore a different part of yourself while your heart heals?
According to dating and relationships expert Dr Callisto Adams, rebound sex can help us “feel better or distract oneself from the emotional pain of the breakup”. As far as the moralisation of the act as a bad or unhealthy decision, she argues it could actually be “natural, or even necessary”.
“There are a few potential benefits to rebound sex,” she explains. “It can provide a sense of intimacy and connection that can be especially comforting after a breakup. It can also serve as a way to explore and satisfy one’s sexual desires, which can be empowering and help build self-confidence.”
So much of your life feels in flux as you adjust to the idea of losing the person you love – it can feel overwhelming. American author bell hooks perfectly summarises this feeling in her book All About Love: “Overcome by sensations of being pulled underwater, drowning, I was constantly searching for anchors to keep me afloat, to pull me back safely to the shore.”
Rebound sex, if discussed and implemented with the right boundaries, can serve as a distraction and a reminder of other parts of yourself. This can be invaluable when you are mourning a part of yourself that you thought you might never lose.
But it must be done with both caution and consideration of the timing and emotional impact it could have – and only you can make these decisions.
“I think it’s really important to think about whether or not rebound sex can sustain open wounds when you’re fresh out of a relationship,” Katie*, 31, tells Stylist. She describes two very different experiences of rebound sex: one encounter that she believes she went ahead with “too soon” after the breakup; another felt like more of a rush – “super fun, relaxed, with an old work colleague”.
“It was a little bit like when your high school crush fancies you back,” Katie describes. “It reminded me that sex can be carefree and doesn’t always need to be a big deal. It helped me with moving on and remembering there is a whole world out there beyond my ex!”
An important thing to remember when navigating a potential rebound sex encounter is clear communication with your partner(s) about what you want from the arrangement. The last thing you want is wires being crossed and one of you expecting different levels of commitment and investment from the other, adding to your heartbreak tally or weighing on your emotional bandwidth.
Dr Adams stresses the importance of getting this communication right: “If [the rebound sex] is not fully consensual or if it occurs with someone who is not a trusted and respected partner, it can be harmful or even traumatic,” she says. “It can also lead to misunderstandings or complications if one person is looking for a more serious relationship while the other is not.”
Helen, 30, agrees, telling Stylist that one of the biggest lessons she’s learned from rebound sex is the importance of communicating her intentions very clearly. “Just because you’re hurt, it doesn’t give you a free pass to hurt somebody else,” she says. That said, Helen adds that she’s had some great experiences, calling casual rebound sex “a fun and lovely way to get back out there and boost your confidence again, if that’s what you want”.
Above all, though, it’s important to acknowledge that sex with a new partner – no matter how surprising, exploratory or invigorating it may feel at the time – cannot replace someone you love or mend a broken heart alone. This part of your emotional and sexual identity needs to be able to sit separately from your feelings for your ex. It’s unwise to use it to try and stifle your sadness.
“It’s important to recognise that rebound sex can’t replace a previous partner and should not be used as a substitute for a healthy, long-term relationship,” Dr Adams advises. While it can’t replace anyone – most of the time, nothing can easily replace a lost love – if it feels right for you, rebound sex may instead serve as an act of renewal. We’re here for that.
Images: Getty
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