Written by Leah Sinclair
Shyness can impact all aspects of your life – and we spoke to two women about how it’s affected their dating experiences and how they’re working to overcome it.
It’s safe to say that dating can be pretty awkward at times.
From the anxiety around presenting the best version of ourselves to constantly keeping the conversation flowing, we sometimes place so much pressure on these experiences that the element of fun that should be felt on dates immediately flies out of the window.
And for people who are particularly shy, the dating game is made even harder.
A 2019 YouGov survey found 47% of respondents described themselves as shy, highlighting just how many of us deal with shyness on a day-to-day basis and its effect on various aspects of our lives – including dating.
“My shyness has impacted my dating life because I haven’t really had much of one,” says Jessica Davis.
Davis first realised she was shy at the tender age of five and has been dealing with it ever since. “I grew up in a very strict household, and as a young child didn’t have too many friends until maybe high school when I became a bit more vocal.”
While Davis got married a year and a half after university, she divorced her partner in her late 20s, which placed her in a difficult spot as she navigated life as a divorcee and found herself immersed in a new dating world where her shyness was still at the forefront.
“I am now divorced and dating is rather difficult,” she says. “The people I date are mostly within my circle, people I have met through mutual friends, but it’s still a challenge.
“I remember one time a date called out that I was fidgeting with the silverware at the table. It was embarrassing as I do suffer from a bit of social anxiety too [but] it is something I am working to overcome.”
Overcoming her shyness as a whole has become a priority for Davis as she hopes the efforts made will positively impact all aspects of her life.
“I have joined social networking groups and hosted career conversations on platforms like Clubhouse and Twitter Spaces that have helped me overcome my shyness as I network with people across the world.
“I have also developed a strong social audio following which has helped me overcome my shyness in some ways, and I am now in a sense more assertive when I am dating.”
For Lucy Robinson, shyness is also something she experienced at a young age and has impacted all aspects of her life, including limiting her dating experiences.
“My shyness has definitely made me date less. Even if I like someone or even if I’m vibing with someone on an app, the idea of meeting with them IRL makes me feel physically sick,” says Robinson.
This feeling has often led Robinson to self-sabotage, from not going along to dates that would be a good match to being less talkative on dates.
“I guess on the whole it’s never been a fun experience because I’m aware that I’m not a naturally confident or extroverted person so I’m always overthinking about how I should behave and I’m never completely present in the moment.”
This led to Robinson finding ways to ease her shyness during dates and picking up a habit that could have had a negative long-term impact.
“When I first started going on dates I fell into the habit of having a couple of drinks beforehand as alcohol always makes me more talkative.”
While this never led to anything bad, it made Robinson realise that she needed to find an approach to dating that allowed her personality to shine through while feeling comfortable, with dating apps being the best places to find that medium.
“I spend more time speaking to people on apps and getting to know them that way as I find that I’m more able to speak to people via message and can let my personality shine that way,” she shares.
“It also means I can get more comfortable with the other person and therefore I’m less shy around them when we do meet because it feels like I know them to a higher degree.”
“I have found that going on dates has taught me who I vibe with more,” she continues. “I used to think that I’d get along best with other shy people/introverts but going on dates with people who have the same personality as me just to lead to an array of awkward silences and dead ends – I’m actually more confident when I go on dates with people who are more confident and extroverted than me because they bring me out of my shell.”
The ability to overcome shyness while dating is not easy – but Crysten Curry, comms lead at OkCupid, says it’s a lot more common than many people think.
“Most people feel a little nervous, vulnerable, and scared and overcoming shyness during the dating stage isn’t an easy feat, but putting yourself out there can lead to amazing things,” she tells Stylist.
“It’s important to acknowledge that while shyness may be a part of your personality, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Give yourself some grace and room to enjoy the dating journey without the added pressure to be – or act – like something you’re not.”
Curry adds that if you’re struggling to overcome shyness, try experimenting with double dates or group activities.
“May be an intimate dinner isn’t the right setting, but bowling, top golf, or wine tasting maybe,” she says.
“Also, nothing breaks the ice like honesty so if you’re feeling a little nervous, share it! Vulnerability is such an attractive trait, and it’ll help signal to your date that you’re just a little shy, not disinterested.”
Image: Getty; Lucy Robinson
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