Written by Amy Beecham
Why are so many men on dating apps using the “cool girl” to avoid being held to account?
It’s been a good few years since I swiped through the litany of profiles dating apps present on a silver platter. But I’ll never be able to shake the impact of the sheer number of red flags I’ve encountered.
From the pictures of people holding fish (just why?) to lewd and crude introductions, my friends and I marvel to this day at the ridiculous things prospective partners have expressed or demanded while supposedly trying to chat us up. Between boring bios, the low-effort “hi” and instant (and uncomfortable) overfamiliarity, if you’re suffering from dating app burnout, it can often feel like there are more turn-offs than turn-ons.
But even back in my own dating days, one particular declaration stood out as the ultimate red flag: “I’m looking for someone who doesn’t take themself too seriously.”
On the surface, it may seem like a harmless requirement. Maybe the other person is a free spirit, values spontaneity and is simply encouraging the people they date to ride that easy-life wave with them. Nice enough on the surface, right? But what does it even really mean?
In my experience, it’s the number one thing used by men to indicate that they’re looking for someone who won’t challenge their behaviour. The girl that doesn’t take herself too seriously won’t nag, won’t text too much or ask the dreaded question: “What are we?” She’ll always be up for a good time, down for anything and turn an obedient blind eye to any problematic tendencies.
Being carefree or fun actually has very little to do with it. This particular brand of ‘cool girl’ they seek is simply someone who won’t try to hold them to account or dare to suggest any additional commitment.While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a casual fling, both parties need to be fully aware that it’s being treated as such.
“‘Don’t take yourself too seriously’ is often viewed in the dating world as being the equivalent of declaring you are unwilling to take on somebody else’s emotional needs and commit to anything serious,” explains Michelle Begy, MD and founder of Ignite Dating.”It’s seen as another way of saying that the person doesn’t intend to take your feelings seriously or be accountable for their behaviour in the relationship, leading you firmly into confusing territory.”
Put simply, it’s a convenient shorthand for declaring you aren’t prepared to put in the effort a blossoming romance needs and deserves.
In the age where some consider even the most basic tenets of relationship building and maintenance as ‘emotional labour’, it’s no surprise that women are more often than not painted as needy or overbearing for requiring regular communication, validation and attention from someone they’re romantically involved with. However, for those who see it as too much of a challenge to date somebody with these ‘high standards’, the code declares that they are unwilling to take on somebody else’s emotional needs.
“It paints a picture of a person who doesn’t want to meet somebody who sees their own boundaries and needs as important,” Begy continues. “It can suggest they want a dating life where they can put in the minimum effort and expect the other person to change their life to suit them.”
It’s also an indication that many of us, but particularly men, are still not comfortable with talking about what we really want, suggests Paul Brunson, a matchmaker and Tinder’s relationship insight expert.
“So often when I ask people what they’re looking for, they say that they don’t want anyone who takes themselves seriously, and every time I hear it, I have to ask, ‘What does that mean to you?’” he says.
According to Brunson, a huge challenge that we face in modern dating is that we’re very comfortable now using terms that are really ambiguous and have no real meaning to us.
“A few years ago, the buzzword that people wanted to avoid was someone ‘intimidating’, but what does that really mean? What is it that we want, or don’t? What do we need from a partner to complement our own traits and values? We don’t always know, but we do have to get better at expressing it with terms that we actually can define,” he shares.
So, “don’t take yourself too seriously” is a red flag, and a common one at that. So how should we respond to it?
“Playing it cool is often a tactic used to avoid being seen as too clingy or desperate, which is exactly what they want from you. It can also be the sign of someone with an avoidant attachment style,” says Begy.
Because while dating profiles should be all about what you do want and explain the kind of person you’d love to meet, it shouldn’t be an opportunity to police very reasonable behaviour before you’ve even said hello.
“Looking for somebody who doesn’t take themselves too seriously has become so loaded that even if your intentions were innocent, you could be turning off plenty of potential matches without even realising it,” Begy agrees. Therefore, if you do want somebody that can laugh at themselves and be silly, even when life gets tough, then daters should say that, rather than use a generic line. After all, the best profiles are unique, full of character and really reflect who you are as an individual.
Ultimately, while dating should be fun, the process is very often not. Juggling our own expectations with those of someone else can be a tricky balance without having to shy away from being serious when we want to. Instead, we should embrace being as pensive or nonchalant as we like – for as long as it serves us.
Images: Getty
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