Saira Khan – ‘When it comes to the bedroom women do not prioritise themselves’

Gwyneth Paltrow’s got us moaning again. But it’s not about steam-cleaning bits, pricey lip balm or conscious uncoupling. She’s got women talking about sex – and learning how to have real fun ­between the sheets.

A friend of mine, who’s in her 50s, alerted me to Gwynnie’s new Netflix series, The Goop Lab, where she explores wellnessy things. The show that shocked my mate and got her red-faced was on female orgasms.

“Is nothing sacred?” she asked me, like this topic should be kept firmly in the bedroom.

But the thing is, women have been living a lie in the bedroom.

For years we have been faking our own pleasure or been too ashamed to talk about what we want. When it comes to the bedroom, like in so many places, women do not ­prioritise themselves.


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I’m guilty of this. I’ve faked it to please a bloke just to make him feel like a stallion, resigned to feeling unsatisfied between the sheets.

It’s like women have been conditioned to do it. Especially growing up in the Asian community, where sex and any naughty pleasure outside marriage is seen as shameful.

I certainly never talked about sex to other women and definitely not to my mum. But I’d like to be able to talk to my son about the ins and outs, so to speak, so he doesn’t think sex in films and porn is realistic. All those perfect bodies and women satisfied in seconds.

The reality is, it takes time to get to your Harry Met Sally moment – some women can take 40 minutes, if they get there at all.

So much of it starts in the mind with us girls. We are built differently to blokes.

But we expect them to be psychic and know how we work.

And we are to blame for that because to give them the skills, we need to share how we feel and quite often we don’t even know what we like anyway. No wonder so many women do not have orgasms..

I’m nearly 50 and I have never used a vibrator – why have I denied myself that?

Times are changing and I hope the younger generation have the confidence to say what they want.

In Gwynnie’s show, she has chats with a fabulous sex therapist, Betty Dodson, a very frank and funny woman who is 90 and has taught thousands of women how to explore their bodies.

She pointed out the fact that our “private parts” are masked with so much shame, we can’t even say their name and do not know what they look like.

So now we are in a situation where young women are stressing themselves out and having surgery down below, when we should just rejoice in what we have – and make the most of it.

Communication is so key – I’ve always talked openly with my husband Steve, so I don’t need to fake anything with him.

Without communication we will keep on denying ourselves and shutting out new experiences and proper intimacy.

Which is why I will be buying my very first vibrator in time for my 50th birthday.

Because it is never too late to learn what you want – and we all deserve some pleasure.

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